Truth Be Told

This was written in 2016 while in treatment for my newly discovered diagnosis. Although it does not address my most recent struggles, I still want to share to a shred of perspective into part of my world.
(Looking back I now realize I was hypomanic when I wrote this. My mind was a bit on tilt and thoughts slightly skewed toward the positive side of the scale. Oh well...)

To my family and friends,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! I want to share a piece of my journey with you in hopes of providing as much clarity as possible. I am different, but this does not mean I am broken. It took me a very long time to realize this.

Here is some insight into who I am:

I am...Short but never understated. Little but occasionally loud.  Frequently fused like a firecracker. Quick-witted and cunningly clever. Sincere in my saturated sarcasm. Usually several steps surpassed. Marked for mingled mayhem, but mainly messily mischievous. Kentucky kind, California cool. Surprisingly steadfast and supportive to a fault. Deathly dysmorphic yet daringly determined. Unstoppable, Untamed, Unrestrained.

Recently I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, ADHD, PTSD and extreme anxiety. Also, most of you know my past struggles with an eating disorder. My disorders went undetected for 28 years because I was able to compensate, even overcompensate for my deficiencies. While growing up my goals always centered on success, and for years I exceeded expectations. However my extreme thought processes ultimately took a toll.

Throughout my life I did not feel connected with others but I could not explain this and did not know why. I was not disliked but I constantly felt like an outsider. I recall feeling this way starting at four years old. I felt different. I was different. Now I know how I’m different. I think differently than the majority of people I know. My mind sort of processes in reverse, or at least in the opposite way as most people's. I believe this is partially why I did not have very many close friends. This is not a judgment in any way but it seemed they could just not relate or keep up with how my mind works. Slowly over the years that knowledge started to control my thoughts up to the point where I could no longer take the feeling so I tried to make it disappear. I tried to disappear. I excelled at flying under the radar. Although I almost passed as normal I lived in constant fear of being rejected and alone. These thoughts terrified me to the point where I started numbing my senses in attempt to fit into society’s norms.

I have come to accept and embrace the fact that I will never reach my full potential until I have learned to let go of all of my fears. Fear is what paralyzed me; fear is what held me back; fear is what controlled me. Although it pains me to say, this includes my fear of disappointing you. My intention has never been to hurt you, quite the contrary. I wanted to make all of your dreams for me come true. Unfortunately in my attempt to fulfill your expectations (as perceived by me), I lost myself as an individual. My identity dissipated. Luckily the spunky, bubbly, tenacious little girl inside of me was not entirely lost. She is returning full force and is ready to conquer the world.

I cannot live my life under anyone else’s rules. I need to trust myself enough to make the right decisions and stay true to my beliefs. One of my daily intentions is to radically expand my comfort zone. In my eyes this is real living. I do not judge others nor do I judge myself.

I love y'all of my heart and hope you can accept who I am and who I am becoming.

Self Destruction, Main Distraction, The Reaction, Then Contraction

Perfectly still and then it begins: my mind starts racing like a tornado wind.

Body image, Broken down, Binging purging, Bullied around
Binding contracts, Begin to blur, Boiling nerves, Begin to stir
Barely restricting, Bouncing around, Believe in one thing, Burn to the ground
Bleeding inside, Boiling out, Buzz clear gone, Bursting water spout
Blind to the truth, Bending reality, Biting my nails, Bullet of finality
Bad self image, Breaking down, Binge purge, Bullies in town

Stuck in my head, Stick to the facts, Simple to say, Struggle to act
Saturated with coffee, Snapping on gum, Shocking my senses, Sipping on rum
Straighten up, Sleep it out, Self medication, Sarcasm about
Staring off, Smoking on, Sting inflicted, Spreading beyond
Shaking uncontrollably, Stirring at night, Senses numbing, Slip or fight
Stick in my head, Stuck on my facts, Starting to say, Surrender my hat

Crying parents, Concerned friends, Complex process, Cannot comprehend
Condemned for actions, Compulsively performed, Concealed motives, Compute, reform
Career shattered, Collapse entails, Conflict follows, Compression prevails
Confess to nothing, Confronted at last, Combining emotions, Contempt won't pass
Chastised inside, Contradicted out, Competing for life, Culminating shout
Crying friends, Concerned parents, Cannot process, Complex to comprehend

Painful memories, Picked dry, Process thoughts, Problem supplied
Punch it out, Pluck it up, Preach aloud, Pity cup
Promise shattered, Please forgive, Progressing backward, Play, relive
Picture this, Paranoid that, Program unleashed, Petrified splat
Pinned in a corner, Powerful lull, Pride has vanished, Present a skull
Picked memories, Painfully dry, Problematic thoughts, Process supplied

Perfectly still and then it begins: my mind starts racing, the tornado never ends.

Rocky Road

Will power, strength, courage, control
Some things people barely know
I can't do as I want
But I want what I do
Dealing with people who haven't a clue

You will see me struggle
You may see me fall
Regardless of what you think
Sometimes we have to crawl
No one says life is easy
Trust me, no one at all

Every day is a burden
Every day filled with fear
Reaching for what I truly desire
Hoping the end is seemingly near

Knowing this demon will never be gone
Knowing this fight will be present every dawn
Hoping and praying to be shown the way
Hoping and aching to make it through another day

Stumbling, crumbling, hiccups now and then
Is this something I can ever win
Damned if I do
Damned if I don't
My head pulls me one way
My heart screams I won't

Rocky road icecream
Temptations galore
Can I fight this fight
Will I ever win this war

I push and I strive
With all of my might
Will this ever be over
Will I see the light

Willpower, strength, courage, control
Somethings people barely know
I can't do as I want
But I want what I do
Will I ever have a clue

Dear Danielle

My dearest, darling, daring, Danielle,

Just breathe. I know what horrible, haunting thoughts are cascading around your precious, impressionable mind. Take a deep breath then exhale. I'm here to tell  you everything is going to be alright.

When you look in the mirror what do you see? You are so distorted and dizzily dismorphic my dear. Would you like to know what I see? Of course you wouldn't but it's my duty to tell you differently. I see a bright, blue-eyed, blonde, beautiful, eight year old girl, full of life, vigor, and beaming with a brilliance few have ever beheld. 

Don't argue with me; that's one battle I'm sure you will not emerge victorious from. You are as precious as a pearl, special as a star, and draw others near to you like a mesmerizing melody. Don't pull away if they get too close. You are intelligent, witty, charming, and crazy cute. Competitive to a fault, you constantly stand and defend your ground. Don't ever let go of that completely - you never know when that might come in handy. 

As  you absently stare at yourself in the mirror I can hear your mind screaming, practically screeching, "you are different." You know what - you are different - just not in the way that you believe. You are unique. You stand-out. You are one-of-a-kind. Not to inflate your ego (which let's be honest, isn't even possible at this point in your life) but others are jealous. You don't even notice as you are so fixated on the  menacing monster you have created of yourself in your incredibly imaginative mentality. 

Hear what I say: you are not ugly, you are not fat, you are not bigger than everyone else, no one is staring. You are perfect - the very thing you strive desperately to be - you are perfect. The only one arguing this point is you. Get out of your own mind for a minute and try to grasp this actuality. Let your guard down, stop obsessing. Let that confidence you carry overflow into every aspect of your life including how you look.  You are unstoppable. Never back down. Never give up.

Just breathe. 

Love,
You

Recovery Revealed

Recovery radiates hope, is comprised of compassion and is deeply desired by many. She thrives in the light, is fueled by the sun and remains present but reserved in the moonlight. Recovery feels the need to be wanted. She is afraid of rejection and of people's emotional, often irrational minds. Recovery is revered as a gift, a precious intangible you desperately try to grasp. She may creep into your life silently like an unwelcome guest or be invited in almost like a long, lost friend. She believes in you in your darkest hours and holds your hand in times of hardship - but only if you let her. Recovery never overstays her welcome nor remains when completely tossed aside. Recovery draws you in like a magnetic force, pulling you closer and closer until you cannot help but give her a huge hug and wish to share in her exquisite experiences. She believes in all who believe in her and even many that do not. There are numerous facets to recovery. Recovery herself, is constantly transforming and well versed in adjusting herself to fulfill your needs but not necessarily your wants at present. Recovery is strong, steadfast, and requires a steady supply of support. She is radiant, beautiful, confident, inside and out. She never doubts her self-worth as an individual. Recovery is a rock. Recovery has the strength of steel. Do not misunderstand, recovery is not perfect, she's a work in progress, but at least she's progressing. It is her never-ending quest to bring hope, happiness, and healing. Recovery is love and cannot exist without it. 

Recovery radiates hope.

Questions But No Answers

My life is spinning round and round. I wonder if I'll ever come down.

Sedated, medicated, shrunk and analyzed. What will I come to realize? My mind says one thing, my heart screams another. Too many battles, not enough capacity. Will I break? Will I lose it? Breakdown, beat-down, going down. Done. I want to run. Be honest, where would I go? I wish I could know. Fickle doesn't even begin to describe me. Where will I be? Hiding in my hat, cloaked in an over-sized coat. Am I distorted? Or am I sane? I always feel such disdain. Numbing out. Can't hear. Are you there? Am I here? Shaking, trembling, longing for an embrace. Will I ever win this race? Tumbling down and down into the deep. No words help; I constantly weep. Staring off into space, thoughtless and free. Is this real; can this be? There's no end in sight, I'm losing the fight. Spiraling, tumbling, tripping, stumbling. Zoning. The lack of feeling. My comfort, my norm. I want to be thin. I want to be sick. My candle is burning down to the wick. Tortured, scorched, wanting to burn. Will I ever learn?

My life is spinning round and round. Will I ever come down?

Tungsten Tough

tung·sten  (tngstn)

n. Symbol W

A hard, brittle, corrosion-resistant, gray to white metallic element extracted from wolframite, scheelite, and other minerals, having the highest melting point and lowest vapor pressure of any metal. Tungsten and its alloys are used in high-temperature structural materials; in electrical elements, notably lamp filaments; and in instruments requiring thermally compatible glass-to-metal seals. Atomic number 74; atomic weight 183.84; melting point 3,410°C; boiling point 5,900°C; specific gravity 19.3 (20°C); valence 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Also called wolfram. 

I know this guy...

Words can't describe. Protector, warrior, guardian, steadfast. More love than one can comprehend. Strength, compassion, determination, hope. The key to my life lies deep in his eyes. He is my rock when the journey gets rough. He is my tungsten tough.

I know this guy...

Selfless and giving. Comprised of kindness to the core. Thrives on my happiness, driven by a smile, powered by laughter, whose purpose is to please. Loyal, noble, god-like, divine. Deserving of perfection. All mine. 

I know this guy...

Who gave everything he had. Again and again. Proving his love, fighting for fate. Countless times he was hurt by the one he lived his life for. Countless times she betrayed his trust and broke his heart. Countless times she killed him. Yet he never gave up, tungsten tough.

I know this guy...

Tears well up in my eyes. What have I done? It doesn't seem real, I know it's not right. But even now he is still willing to fight. Knows what he wants. Persistent and true. He is the strongest man I ever knew.

I know this guy...

I'll never let go. Best that there is. No one compares. We'll be together, good times and bad. We're moving forward. He's all that I have, and want for that matter. One of the good ones, all the right stuff. He is my tungsten tough.