Truth Be Told

This was written in 2016 while in treatment for my newly discovered diagnosis. Although it does not address my most recent struggles, I still want to share to a shred of perspective into part of my world.
(Looking back I now realize I was hypomanic when I wrote this. My mind was a bit on tilt and thoughts slightly skewed toward the positive side of the scale. Oh well...)

To my family and friends,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers! I want to share a piece of my journey with you in hopes of providing as much clarity as possible. I am different, but this does not mean I am broken. It took me a very long time to realize this.

Here is some insight into who I am:

I am...Short but never understated. Little but occasionally loud.  Frequently fused like a firecracker. Quick-witted and cunningly clever. Sincere in my saturated sarcasm. Usually several steps surpassed. Marked for mingled mayhem, but mainly messily mischievous. Kentucky kind, California cool. Surprisingly steadfast and supportive to a fault. Deathly dysmorphic yet daringly determined. Unstoppable, Untamed, Unrestrained.

Recently I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, ADHD, PTSD and extreme anxiety. Also, most of you know my past struggles with an eating disorder. My disorders went undetected for 28 years because I was able to compensate, even overcompensate for my deficiencies. While growing up my goals always centered on success, and for years I exceeded expectations. However my extreme thought processes ultimately took a toll.

Throughout my life I did not feel connected with others but I could not explain this and did not know why. I was not disliked but I constantly felt like an outsider. I recall feeling this way starting at four years old. I felt different. I was different. Now I know how I’m different. I think differently than the majority of people I know. My mind sort of processes in reverse, or at least in the opposite way as most people's. I believe this is partially why I did not have very many close friends. This is not a judgment in any way but it seemed they could just not relate or keep up with how my mind works. Slowly over the years that knowledge started to control my thoughts up to the point where I could no longer take the feeling so I tried to make it disappear. I tried to disappear. I excelled at flying under the radar. Although I almost passed as normal I lived in constant fear of being rejected and alone. These thoughts terrified me to the point where I started numbing my senses in attempt to fit into society’s norms.

I have come to accept and embrace the fact that I will never reach my full potential until I have learned to let go of all of my fears. Fear is what paralyzed me; fear is what held me back; fear is what controlled me. Although it pains me to say, this includes my fear of disappointing you. My intention has never been to hurt you, quite the contrary. I wanted to make all of your dreams for me come true. Unfortunately in my attempt to fulfill your expectations (as perceived by me), I lost myself as an individual. My identity dissipated. Luckily the spunky, bubbly, tenacious little girl inside of me was not entirely lost. She is returning full force and is ready to conquer the world.

I cannot live my life under anyone else’s rules. I need to trust myself enough to make the right decisions and stay true to my beliefs. One of my daily intentions is to radically expand my comfort zone. In my eyes this is real living. I do not judge others nor do I judge myself.

I love y'all of my heart and hope you can accept who I am and who I am becoming.