My urges are stronger than ever. They usually don't last long though. I give in, too quickly, almost without thinking. I am almost back to where I started except for the extra layer of added guilt I feel when I slip up because now I "know better". Now it's "why can't she get it together; she knows what to do".
Oh I know, but I don't care. That internal instinct has taken over and I've begun the rebelling phase. Not this again. How do I change this course of action? I don't want to push people away but my mind is yelling at me, telling me to get rid of distraction, get rid of influences that tell you anything other than what I want. What I want is to be unhealthy. What I want is to shrink. What I want is control. I feel it slipping away...
What will I do?
I might be completely out of line here, so let me know, but I feel like I can truly relate. I struggle with addiction too.
ReplyDeleteI hate people telling me what to do. You should be able to do what you want. No one knows what you need better than you, and you have the right to do whatever you need to do.
I struggle to find the problem with my addiction, but the truth is that it is there, and it's something that I have to overcome on my own. For me, there is nothing anyone can do to help. It's a very personal problem.
I have hope that you (and me) can overcome these bad tendencies.
I love you cousin. Feel free to reach out to me. I'm sure I could use your advice as much as you could use mine.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I can relate to the "extra layer of added guilt". I just want to let you know that it's OK to have your emotions of rebelliousness and guilt and indifference. Recovery is the opposite of easy and perfect. You're so strong Danielle. Hang in there.
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